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Eau de Nil (Not for the Easily Offended) - In the Shadow of Leaves
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Eau de Nil (Not for the Easily Offended)
And God said unto Fred: go to the Senate
By Malcolm Brown and Sean Nicholls
May 11, 2004

The Business of Prophecy

    Yea, and the Lord saw the prophet Fred, and saw that
    his heart was sound and his mind was pure of any
    thought and the Lord saw too, that the Prophet Harradine was
    old and decrepit and his face was that of the ballsack of
    an ass. And the Lord saw that the prophet Gibson had
    not yet returned from the wasteland of the west, where
    his begetting was as that of a rabbit and that plastic
    dangly souvenir crap had him in its grasp.

    And the Lord waited until the Prophet Fred was alone,
    and the Lord's words echoed off the porcelain tiles and
    the Lord said, "Fred, the prophet Harradine is old, and his
    face is as the ballsack of a farm animal, and his words
    are dry and dusty as of the dust of the road" and the
    prophet Fred said, "Uugh, Lord, UUUGH, your perception
    is clear and your words are the words of the Lord."

    And the Lord thought that the mortal clay of man,
    fashioned into the shape of Fred, was perhaps not the
    greatest material that the Lord had ever had to work
    with, and the Lord waited and the Lord spoke again.

    "Fred. FRED! Verily thou art the prophet of a loving God
    who talks for clarity as doth the elf from the Lord of the
    Rings an entertainment most popular amongst the
    elusive 14-23 age bracket that we wish to touch."

    "Sorry, communicate with."

    And the prophet Fred said that he had not seen that one
    as he had heard that it was Godless and filled with the
    lies of a pernicious and an evil Satan.

    And the Lord said,

    "Fred, the prophet Harradine is old, and stooped, and no
    longer inspires the people in his garb of sack cloth and
    ashes, and his face now resembles the wrinkled
    scrotum of an animal that lacks for a high protection
    sunscreen. His words are dry and dusty and are the
    words of an accountant of taxation and not the words of
    a soldier of righteousness."

    "Fred. The Prophet Gibson has not yet returned to the
    country of Australia with his family of true believers to
    lead the land to the peace and joy of truly gritty and "in
    your face" MTV love where the V stands for violence
    and MT is just mighty. Verily, as the prophet Gandalf
    said, Fred, 'it shall not pass,' until my words are heeded."

    And the prophet Fred saw that the Lord was right, and
    he raised up his eyes and he forgot his present business
    and he realised that he had allowed his business to
    interfere with the business of the Lord. And his
    hosannas echoed off the tiles as he raised his arms on
    high to the Lord. And his hosannas were mighty.

    And the Lord said. "Fred. The prophet Harradine is as
    the ballsack of an ass, and the prophet Gibson is a seller
    of gimcrack and flapdoodle, in all of Australia, Fred, you
    are the last honest man."

    And the prophet Fred was flattered and cheered and his
    heart was lifted and his seat was raised from his earthly
    throne. And the Lord said that Fred should calm down
    because Fred was just earthly clay and by "only" he
    meant "only available" and Fred was chastened and sat
    back down and the Lord was pleased.

    And the Lord said.

    "Fred, the prophet Harradine cannot live forever, as
    much perhaps as I would like him to. His face is wrinkled
    and is as the skin on the nads of a donkey, yet his iron
    claw holds firm the testicles of the Australian Upper
    House, and his legislating is as legislating that we have
    not seen since the Dark Ages. And indeed the Upper
    House shall be as dark as the space under an altar boy's
    cassock after the passing the prophet Harradine."

    And the prophet Fred was moved that the Lord was
    talking to him as a man speaks, and the prophet Fred
    was taken up with his own thoughts, and thought deeply,
    in the porcelain room. And the Lord said.

    "Fred, FRED! Calm down. Fred. I have chosen you,
    Fred, to be my soldier. Fred, I want you to stand firm and
    stand for a seat in the Upper House. Take my words
    Fred, and legislate as would the prophet Harradine. Your
    apprenticeship is done with. No longer should your small
    but doughty army march to stamp out sex shops and
    saucy videos, no longer must you pretend to be sick and
    wear your pyjamas to Parliament. You will be as the
    prophet Harradine of the flinty eye to whom all love
    excepting for the love of the Lord is alien."

    And the Prophet Fred gasped. And the Lord said,

    "Your army Fred, shall be the army of the Upper House
    where you shall rain down your wisdom upon the
    teeming mass of godless man. You shall become as the
    mouth of the Lord and the world shall love you, and fear
    you and thy word shall be law. And the law shall be the
    law of the Lord."

    And the prophet Fred was moved with love for the Lord,
    and gasped as he felt the love of the Lord pass through
    him and he raised up has arms and he cried "Alleluia" as
    did he cry "Hosanna" and also "Kum by Yah" and his
    soul was lifted and his heart was glad, and the still
    waters were still no more.

    And the Lord too was glad. And the Lord left to go back
    to heaven to tidy up for the arrival of the prophet
    Harradine, and the prophet Fred started ringing hack
    journalists, and the prophet Gibson continued right on
    doing whatever it is that the prophet Gibson does, For
    the will of the Lord is the will of the Lord.

Here endeth the lesson.

Alex Rieneck
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