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Bugger - In the Shadow of Leaves
Dappled in light & dark; a place to watch from, think, write, make & show images
Really shit bad news from the Doctor. Either the old menace has cropped up, or a new one arrived. Have to get tests done and consult with surgeon/specialist on Thursday to get a better idea of just how bad, and how much of me they're going to carve off this time — hoping that they think it's worthwhile to do it, and aren't just going for "making me comfortable". Visions of Monty Python's Black Knight, having more & more bits lopped off.

I've told a couple of the people quietly at work. Ones I've known for a longer time, and who've been through my troubles, and the illnesses and deaths of other workmates. Some of them have had their own troubles too.

It's bloody scary. If the news is really seriously bad, I may sell up a bunch of the stuff I got dumped onto me when my partner & family died off. It's been taking up an awful lot of my worry, time & energy since, but I was planning on using it to get me through my old age once settled & organised. If there won't be an old age, and without children or close relatives to inherit, except for the bits I want to leave to some charities & fund my bequeathed artistic heritage, I may as well use a chunk to get my surrounds into good shape so I can expire relatively comfortably instead of making my existence even harder as I slide downhill.

Maybe take a couple of trips to nice places, that I haven't been able to get back to since everything fell apart, like the hill between Marulan & Goulburn, or the spot on the ridge in the Blue Mountains, or the Penrith Regional Gallery. Even back to the parts of Europe Chris & I visited. Or New York to see the Cloisters and the Flatiron Building, where I've never been yet.

The Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy: www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanual/sections.jsp

Morbid small-hours thinking. I'd best to bed & sleep. Keep strong and healthy; rest, eat well, step by step, one day at a time. Wait to hear what more informed opinon is once they get a good look.

Some quite true remarks here: It's Not Gonna Be OK, by Mark Allen (2003)

    Quid opus est partes deflere?
    What need is there to weep over parts of life?
    Tota flebilis vita est.
    The whole of it calls for tears.

Non quid sed quemadmodum feras interest.
Not what you endure, but how you endure, is important.

[Quite a few good & thoughtful things at bornthoughtdied.blogspot.com/2005/10/moral-essays-of-seneca.html ]
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